I can feel my bones creaking to life. I can hear the sound of rain coming. I can feel God breathing his life into my soul. It's not over yet.
I saw a little stream of light coming through the clouds. I felt the heavy grip of the negative emotions that like to keep me company, begin to loosen again. Don't give up yet.
There's more. Why did I stop believing? How did I become so completely blinded? After seeing what God can do, after experiencing the goodness of His love and mercy, how did I stop trusting? I get the classic image of a man walking down the street, not paying attention to where he's going, and falling down into a hole. That's really how easy it is to fall. I thought I had learned this lesson already. Keep my eyes on Jesus. I got this. I'm never letting the devil one-up me again.
I didn't have it. And with one swift jab into my heart with the same old emotional blade, I was down. You can have all the knowledge available to you, you can know so many verses of scripture, but if you have pride and you're not putting it all into practice, if you take your eyes off your saviour, your strength, you will soon find out that there's a roaring lion roaming about, who is quite capable of devouring you. No one is exempt. No one is invincible. Everyone is prey.
Thankfully, my God doesn't run out of patience. He doesn't run out of compassion or forgiveness. His Holy Spirit doesn't get tired of teaching, and Jesus doesn't quit being our advocate.
Don't let it die. Pastor Steven Furtick is yelling and the congregation is cheering and screaming. I sit quietly, burying his words into a deep place. Pondering. I let it die. I let it all die. Dreams faded into a place where they were only thought of as nice ideas. Maybe even silly ones. Where they were no longer imaginable. No longer desired. The still small voice tells me that I am still that person. That the dreams will come alive again.
Go back to the bones. Go back and remember what God did. That's what I'll do. When you can't see a way through, a way out, trust that He's working on it.